I had
this great idea in my mind what my breastfeeding relationships would look like
with my children. I had these images in
my head of rocking my babies as the sun shown just slightly through the cracked
blinds in the window. I would be so calm
and relaxed and looking down at them so lovingly and in awe. They would nurse in 15 minutes or so and go 2
or more hours between feedings. We
wouldn’t have to worry about bottles or even pumps except for when I was at
work. Boy was I naïve. I have three children and nursing all three
of them was hard and at times downright hellish. I did look down at them in awe and appreciate
that each one was a miracle. (I still
get a lump in my throat when I think about the first time I held each of them.) I had a different type of awe at how a tiny
baby could inflict so much pain while attempting to nurse.
My
oldest, Emma, is now 17. I was young
when she was born and I knew I wanted to breastfeed because I knew it was the
healthiest choice for both of us. What I
didn’t know was the excruciating pain that could come with it. Nursing wasn’t fun or even pleasant. I sought the help of consultants while I was
in the hospital, but that was the extent of it.
Nursing was extremely painful and at times unbearable for the first two
weeks. Not all the Lansinoh in the world
could fix my cracked bleeding nipples.
But I was determined and after a while we made a bit of a turning point
and it started to get easier and less painful.
Somewhere around six-eight weeks post-delivery I began to enjoy our
nursing sessions. It was so much easier
than having to get up and make a bottle in the night. This wasn’t so bad after all.
I had to
return to work at six weeks. I would
pump in the night, early in the morning and a few times per day at the
office. I would put a little pillow on
my desk, cross my arms to hold the pump in place and try to catch a little cat
nap to make up for the lost sleep at nights and early mornings. I could never produce enough milk to meet her
needs while I was away. We had to
supplement a few bottles each day with formula.
The goal was 12 months. I kept it
up for as long as I could but by month six, she was not getting enough even at
night and my supply vanished. I was under
an intense amount of stress and this could have played into my milk
cessation. I was also depressed as
Emma’s father had been killed in a car accident just six weeks before she was
born. I had a wonderful support
system. Bless my mother for being so
encouraging. She would remind me to
drink water and would bring me snacks while I was nursing. Several days she would even make my lunch
before we both went off to work. I would
not have made it as long as I did without the help and support I received from
her and several others.
Several years later I married my husband and we began the
journey to expand our family. After six
years of marriage our son, Caleb, (now five years old) was born. I knew again that I wanted to try to
nurse. After all, it couldn’t possibly
be as bad as the first time. Was I wrong!
Granted the 12 years in between the
children helped me forget those original months of difficult nursing, but it
was harder and more agonizing than I remembered. I was however older and wiser and more
determined. We sought the help of the
lactation consultants (LC) at the hospital while we were there and this time,
weeks afterwards also. Sometimes it was
a little bit better when we were with the LC, but nursing was never okay at
home. Thrush was suspected and we both
treated with gentian violet followed by prescription medications, but it didn’t
make a difference. Even though the latch
appeared correct from the outside, it was still very painful and when he would release,
my nipple was the shape of a lipstick and would turn white. A few LCs suggested cooling gel pads as well
as nipple shields but that only made it worse.
One LC did some research and discovered I was experiencing Raynaud’s Phenomenon.
My breasts would sometimes hurt up to two hours after nursing. Because of the vasospasm and blood loss to
my nipples, the cold made the pain worse.
Applying warm heat did provide a little temporary relief as it seemed to
help return the circulation somewhat faster.
We
purchased a pump and this time I managed to keep up with him by again getting
up in the night, early in the mornings and anytime I was away from him. Pumping was uncomfortable, but bearable. I would apply heat before and after and that
seemed to help too. Then late one Friday
night, my electric pump broke. I
panicked. I didn’t have the funds to
purchase another one. I didn’t even know
if I could afford to rent one for a little while until we could replace the
part, but we had to try to make it through the night/weekend. I tried nursing again. He would latch on and suck a few times and
then get angry and cry. What was it? Was
he just not getting it quickly enough because he was use to a bottle or was the
Raynaud’s restricting the flow? Somehow
we made it through the night and I was able to rent a pump on Saturday morning
from the hospital for a week. I called
the pump manufacturer and the part was not replaceable. My husband was unemployed. There was no way we could purchase another
one or continue to rent one or pay for formula.
I sought help from WIC. I
explained our story to one of the consultants there and she asked to look
inside his mouth. She said he had a
really high palate and that could be the reason why the latch looked good on
the outside, but was crushing and slanting my nipple inside. She couldn’t offer any help with that, but
said he could possibly outgrow it. They
gave me a new pump. All was well
right? Nope. This was a different brand than the one I had
used before. The suction was not nearly
as strong and after many efforts of manipulation and setting changes on the
pump, it never got any better. I reached
out for help and a friend loaned me hers for the remainder of our time
nursing. It was the same brand and style
as mine that had broken. I know that is
frowned upon, but desperate times call for desperate measures. The goal was 12 months of
breastfeeding/pumping. We made it 13!
Then came
baby number three, Charlie. I prayed and
prayed that nursing would be better this time.
It had to be. After all, wouldn’t
my nipples be tough as nails by baby number 3?
Charlie was a C-Section so I was in the hospital a little longer. I wanted to utilize the help there before
going home so we even stayed an extra day.
By day three, I was in horrendous pain.
Toe curling, wanting to cut my breasts off type of agony. It was déjà vu all over again. When it came time to feed I didn’t want to do
it. My husband Mark was so supportive
and tried to comfort me any way he could but finally he suggested we try
supplementing. It was so tough for him
to watch me in so much pain. But that
just made me more determined. I would
reluctantly pick her up knowing what was coming, latch her on and cry out in
pain. I would just sit there sometimes
rocking myself on the bed or rocking chair and try my very best to find my
happy place and control my sobbing. I
was afraid I would scare her and keep her from nursing, but sometimes the pain
took over and I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
We
started the process of exclusively pumping all over again, but with a two year
old running around this time and very little help since my husband worked 70-80
hours per week, it was a vicious cycle.
I would pump for 20-30 minutes (some times more to make sure I got
enough for each bottle), feed her, clean up the pump parts and bottle and
sometimes get a few minutes of rest before we had to start it all over again. Throw in a case of mastitis and I knew I
couldn’t keep this up for very long.
When we
saw the pediatrician for our first check up, I told her what was happening and
she examined the baby’s mouth. “It
appears she does have a lip and tongue tie.
That could certainly contribute to the difficulties you are experiencing.” Huh?
What is that? OH….It all started
making sense. All three of my children
had this and even I had it. And it was
correctable. Hallelujah! What made the difference this time
around? Someone finally looked at their
lip and tongue and knew what was happening.
This was the same pediatrician we had with baby number two. The difference was the pediatrician had just experienced
much of this with her own baby six months before. She referred us to a dentist for laser
revision of the lip and tongue ties and an LC with a lot of experience with
ties. This was a game changer!
On the
day of the procedure the dentist offered to let me hold her if I thought I was
able to or I could leave the room and let them do it. I had to stay. I had to be there to hold her. I signed all the papers and they gave me all
the warnings about making sure, no matter what, I didn’t move her or let
go. That was one of the toughest mommy
moments to date. I held her little head
as still as I possibly could for the procedure all the while tears were rolling
down my face. I had to remind myself
that even if this didn’t fix our nursing troubles, it was still best for her to
help prevent tooth decay, speech issues and allow for proper mastication. Most moms are able to nurse right away, but
since I was still recovering from mastitis, he recommended we give her a few
days to heal and me as well. She stopped
crying pretty quickly after we were finished, but didn’t want to drink from a bottle
much for the next 24 hours. I thought
holding her still for the procedure was bad, but having to pull up her lip and
tongue for stretching (a little physical therapy) and applying aloe was just
about as bad.
We waited
a few days and then tried nursing again.
It wasn’t easy, but it was definitely better and definitely less
painful. One thing troubled me
though. Breastfeeding was supposed to be
easier on the baby too, less gas, less spiting up. She rarely spit up when having a bottle of
pumped milk, but often times after nursing she would spit up so much I didn’t
see how she could possibly have anything left in her tummy. So back to the new LC we went. She recommended we weigh her before and after
feeding to see how much she was getting.
At this point we were giving her two to sometimes three ounces per
bottle. We started nursing one
side. We stopped to burp and switched to
the other side. I picked her up to burp
again and this time I didn’t even get to burp her before she spit up. It was a lot, filling an entire burp cloth
and enough I had to change her clothes.
The LC weighed her and even after all the spitting up, she still had
five ounces in her little tummy. In fact
it was bulging. I cried, but this time
tears of joy. She was able to nurse and
she was able to get more than enough.
Things began to get easier from here.
We shortened her nursing time to allow her to adjust to the additional
milk she was able to get. Somewhere
around two-three months we no longer had to give her bottles except when we
were apart. In the back of my mind it
was still too good to be true so I still got up every morning to pump so I
could stockpile some milk for fear something would happen again.
I think
it was somewhere around four to five months, I noticed some discomfort when
nursing. Not as bad as before, but
something didn't seem right. I examined
her mouth and discovered that her lip tie had grown back. It was not as tight or as low as before, but
it was there. I felt horrible for
her. We did the stretches for the amount
of time recommended but we must have needed to do it longer in her case. We pressed forward and we both seemed to
adjust over time.
I always
thought 12 months was the ideal time for nursing, but the more I read and the
more I spoke with other moms, I realized that we didn't have to end there. It seems the US is one of the few countries
that puts some unwritten limit on it.
Now the World Health Organization (WHO) recommends it up to age
two. I thought to myself and even told a
few people we will definitely stop by her second
birthday. But that day came and went and
we just kept on. Our nursing sessions
weren't very long and limited it to just naptime, bedtime, and occasionally
when she was hurt or upset, but it worked for us. It was just so easy to nurse her for 5-10
minutes and she would be out like light.
At the time of our pictures, Charlie was 32 months old. We continued into the next month and had our
last session just a few days shy of 33 months.
I was returning to work full time and I felt it would be best for us to
end it there. Thirty-three months we
made it through! It so worth it and I
will cherish the special time I had with all three of them, both the good and
the bad. My story doesn't start off very
pleasant, but it has a really good ending.
It's one of the few goals I have found the determination and drive
(through lots of prayer and help) to actually complete. Thank you Allison and Seven Arches
Photography for capturing this special bond I was able to share with
Charlie.
I know
there are lots of mixed feelings and judgements about breastfeeding, but you
won’t get that from me. I share my story
not to make anyone feel good or bad about their own choices because only we
know what's best for our families, no one else.
But for that new mommy who is bound and determined to breastfeed, have
hope. Don't let anyone else tell you
what you can and can't do. Be encouraged
that you are not alone. No matter what
you ultimately decide, you are a good mom!
