When my first child was born,
I desperately wanted to breastfeed, but a different story unfolded for us.
Despite several lactation consultant visits, he never successfully latched or
nursed from my breast. I was heartbroken, but resolved to pump for him instead.
After six weeks of getting only drops at a time, amounting to about 2 ounces a
day, I threw in the towel for good. The desire to breastfeed my child(ren) was
still strong, however, and I knew that one day I would have the opportunity to
try again.
Three years later, during my
second pregnancy with twins, I sought out resources early. A couple of friends
invited me to a breastfeeding support group, which I attended faithfully to
build my knowledge and confidence before my next two precious babies were born.
I continued attending weekly until well beyond their first birthday! Five weeks
early, they latched well, but weren’t efficient with their energy use. We got
into a nurse-bottle-pump cycle, just until they were a little bigger… or so I
thought. They bonded with the bottle instead of the breast. It was, after all,
much easier, and what made them feel full and happy. They nursed for almost 9
months continuously followed with bottles and pumping. But it felt like the
breast supplemented their bottles instead of the other way around. Although we
were bonded to each other, breastfeeding did not have much of a bonding aspect
except for them; one would only nurse when his brother did! Again, my supply
was inadequate, but on my best day, with every supplement and medication I knew
of, I was able to nurse and pump enough for about half of their needs.
Five years later, there I was
again: eager to feed my baby and experience the bonding and closeness of a
successful nursing relationship. Despite my previous supply issues, I had
confidence in my body’s ability to produce milk for my child. After all, with
my twins I had a few days of meeting half of their needs, meaning I was capable
of feeding one baby, right? When my daughter was born, she latched and attempted
to nurse, but not without cause for concern for my midwife, so we saw a
lactation consultant as soon as we got home at 6 hours old. No major hindrances
were found, just a baby who didn’t quite know what she was doing yet. Her first
few days and weeks she lived attached to my breasts. She was fussy and
unsettled and nursed for hours at a time around the clock. One pediatrician
visit confirmed what I couldn’t accept: that she was not gaining weight
properly. Once again, I was failing my child. I was devastated. That night,
through tears, I poured my heart out to my dear friend. Her daughter was six
months older than Abby, and had a medical issue keeping her from breastfeeding.
My friend had been pumping exclusively for months to add a thickener to her
milk so that her daughter could drink it without aspirating it, but she had
finally outgrown the issue and was beginning to breastfeed again. She knew the
heartbreak I was feeling (and had walked through my struggles with my twins,
too), and it was comforting for both of us to have someone to walk our journeys
with, even though I was just starting my trails with Abby and she was coming
out the other side of hers. Later that night, she called me again. She had a
freezer full of pumped milk that her daughter no longer needed, since she had
just begun nursing exclusively. “That’s Abby’s milk!” she told me. What a gift!
Although it was still disappointing that I was unable to provide my daughter
with what she needed, it took away the guilt that I felt knowing I was the
reason she was getting less than the best. She would still get the best; just
not all of it would come from me. What an amazing blessing to both my daughter and me. This time, instead of the
nurse-bottle-pump cycle, I supplemented with my friend’s milk at the breast using
the Lact-Aid system. I also resumed taking every supplement and medication I
could. It turns out that buying formula would have been cheaper for us than
breastfeeding. Supplementing at the breast eliminated the nurse-bottle-pump
cycle that I had lived for 9 months with my twins. What a difference that made!
No longer hungry all of the time, my fussy child turned into a sweet, happy
baby, and without the bottles and pumping taking time and effort away from her,
although it was still incredibly challenging at times, we bonded fiercely over
our struggles. We eventually found our groove, and settled into a comfortable,
mutually satisfying routine which consisted of her nursing whenever and
wherever she wanted! When she turned one year old, I found it sad that she was
most likely halfway through nursing since making it to two years was my biggest
goal, and I felt like we were still just getting started. It turned out that I
was in for a surprise and we were
still just getting started! She nursed day and night for another two years,
then self-weaned at night and moved willingly out of our bed and into her own.
She continued to nurse 4-6 times a day for another year, until she was four,
and now, at 4 ½, she will nurse briefly at random. Sometimes she will ask up to
four times in one day, and then go two weeks without asking at all. The days
that I question if I should tell her no and be done, I think about how
desperate I was to experience an extended nursing relationship, and how I
didn’t fight this hard to come so far just to halt it before it’s time. I said
I would be done when she is, and when she is done, so shall I be.
