A baby did not come easy to us. Being able to have a
chance to participate in the breastfeeding journey was a miracle and a godsend.
We tried for 3 years before we got pregnant. It was upon urging from concerned
friends that I went to see an OBGYN about my constant abdominal pain. And the
good doctor delivered me the harsh news that I have very severe Stage 3
endometriosis and might never have a baby because both my fallopian tubes were
blocked (one full blocked and one partially blocked), and there were lots of
cysts inside my uterus.
Consulting an IVF doctor did not give us more hope. Every
weekly or biweekly checkup always brought disappointment and tears and sadness.
When we started a cycle and I followed all instructions to a T, when it was
time to check for eggs and to extract them, it was found that the strong IVF
drugs did not have any effect on my egg production. Normal women would produce
10-20 eggs after taking IVF drugs, but the sonogram technician only found 1-2
in me. It was a devastating blow to think that even IVF couldn't help me. What
were the odds of that? I have never heard that there are women who do not
respond to IVF drugs.
So we took a break from IVF. I looked up endometriosis
alternative healing and dived into trying out anything that seemed promising.
Sometime before we were supposed to see our IVF doctor to start our second
round of IVF, I had a weird hormonal rush. Lots of acne popped up on my face
and I thought, what had happened? I wanted to entertain the possibility that I
might be pregnant, but at the same time, I was scared to be hopeful. I took 3
pregnancy strip tests, and they all came out positive. I told my husband, but
he said it must be wrong. So I called my IVF office to test me.
It was like the end of a long and exhausting journey and
certainly felt like a dream when there was applause all around us and we saw
our nurses and doctor's face light up. It was a miracle, they said. The
endometriosis had been so severe my doctor had said there is almost no
possibility of a natural conception, but against all odds, my body which had
rejected conception by IVF had conceived naturally.
Ruilin Rianne Ko was born 6lb 2oz on January 10, 2014,
but she quickly lost weight till she was 5lb 9oz. Doctors were concerned, and
though I started out breastfeeding, I was told to supplement with formula after
a few days.
And so, I breastfed in conjunction with me pumping
several times in the day and feeding her expressed breast milk or formula. It
was a blur because pumping and washing/sterilizing pump equipment and bottles
took up a lot of time compared to just breastfeeding. I would pump up to 5
times sometimes.
During the next few months, I would try to pump more
because I wanted to increase my milk supply. Sometimes the milk supply would go
up a little, but if I had to do things during the day, and I skip pumps, the
supply would go down. Eventually I decided to just pump less and my milk supply
went down to a low of 1-2oz total per pump.
It was during her 7th month that I decided to go 100%
breastfeeding. I started to offer her a feed every hour or so, and eventually
she dropped most of her formula feeds. It was liberating for me and I also felt
a sense of accomplishment for reverting her back to breast milk, because I know
the opposite happens for a lot of moms - when they were told to supplement,
their milk supply decreased and they eventually switched to formula.
It was also around this time that I suddenly realized
that maybe her tongue tie may actually be the reason why she cannot breastfeed
properly. (Doctor said she had a mild case of tongue tie when she was born, but
delivery doctor and pediatrician both said that it was nothing to be concerned
about.) After research and asking around, I realized tongue tie not only
affects breastfeeding, but also speech enunciation and development later on! If
I had known all these, I would have asked the doctor or pediatrician to correct
her tongue tie via a simple office procedure which would have been quick, cheap
and easy.
Thus when she was 7 months old, I decided to let her
undergo a frenotomy, which is the removal of the frenulum beneath her tongue.
This piece of skin prevents tongue-tied babies from breastfeeding properly. In
fact it causes babies who are tongue-tied to choke on the milk because they are
unable to suck and swallow the milk properly.
It was during the procedure that the doctor told us that
she might actually be double tied - tongue and lip. We were shocked but were
relieved that Dr. Korenman from Loveable Smiles (one of the rare doctors in the
DFW metroplex that does laser removal of frenulums at an affordable price) was
able to remove both.
A few days after the frenotomy, we went on a trip and it
was quite a pleasant surprise to me from the time the plane took off, that baby
breastfed with ease. It was the first time she emptied the breast. I started to
offer her a feed every hour or so, and eventually she dropped all formula
feeds, and was 100% on breast milk. It was liberating for me and I also felt a
sense of accomplishment for reverting her back to breast milk, because I know
the opposite happens for a lot of moms - when they were told to supplement
because their milk supply decreased and they eventually switched to formula.
For the next half a year until I weaned her, I only
pumped once at night. In fact, I had too much breast milk because I sometimes
could not use up what I pumped at night during the next day. I had to put
pumped milk into her cereal and solids to use it up. When we were on trips or
on airplanes, I would bring a disposable little cup and hand-squeezed (under a
nursing cover) whenever she needed milk to add to her cereal. Breast milk is
really very convenient. :)
It was a bitter-sweet moment when I finally weaned her in
her 14th month. I wanted to be free to go out and let others babysit her, yet I
know I will miss those quiet comfortable moments of breastfeeding with her. I
kept thinking that I should let her continue nursing to prolong the
breastfeeding period. However, compared to my bleak outlook when I started this
breastfeeding journey, feeling like a slave chained to a breast pump and the
baby and missing out on any sort of life forever, I had not expected such a sad
parting to come. Goodbye to a very personal part of me and baby. I know she
will not remember it, but hopefully she will understand how it feels like when
she does it herself for her baby.
Mommy loves you, little nugget.
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