First Time Mom Anxiety – Courtney and Griffin

When we first discussed starting our family the plan was that my wife would be the first to carry. Through a series of events it came to be that I became the carrier of our first child. We had discussed that breast feeding was the best option for our family when she was trying to become pregnant.

 It wasn't until I was nearly 5 months pregnant that it occurred to me that since I was carrying our beautiful miracle, I would be the one to breast feed him. I remember feeling a huge wave of anxiety and self-doubt at that notion. I am a very modest person and I was nervous about even the lactation consultants entering my hospital room. I wasn't even comfortable with the word "breast!" But it seemed like as soon as Griffin's tiny body was curled up on my lap contently feeding I was grateful at the opportunity God had afforded me and was encouraged to work at breastfeeding. It did take several months until I finally got the hang of supporting his body and taking cover.

 

Oversupply and a fast letdown caused frequent choking that made it all the more difficult to keep covered! All the while I was a nervous wreck when it came to planning outings. What if he needed to feed? Where would I go? What should I wear? How long until his next feed? If he coughs he'll draw attention to us! I would scope out possible discrete nursing sites immediately upon entering a restaurant or store; it was stressful! My wife was supportive on helping with handoffs and acting as a human shield but by time Griffin was 3 months old my hot natured baby wanted nothing to do with the cover. Simultaneously, I was blessed to find a supportive network of other first time moms and my confidence as a mommy blossomed. There came a point where I didn't care about the cover and breast feeding became natural and comfortable. Not only was Griffin benefitting but I was finally able to reap the reward; the bond, the cuddles, the silent language spoken between locked eyes. I still seek discretion but now it's so my distracted/curious baby can complete a meal! Otherwise, I don't give it a second thought. I am extremely grateful to my wife for building me up. I could've never made it through the breastfeeding journey without her. Initially, I had felt like my oversupply was a curse and I worked feverishly to even things out within the first 6 months. But all of that excess frozen milk was donated to a special couple and their precious boy and I feel blessed to have been able to perform that labor of love for another family. I wouldn't trade these past 12 months for anything in the World! Good times and rocky, all of them are precious and priceless memories I will cherish for a lifetime.