Breastfeeding did not come easy to me and my son. In fact, I hated it for about 6 weeks. HATED
IT! My son was born with a tongue tie and a lip tie so he was only able to
latch onto one side but unable to latch properly which caused me severe
pain. After about two days of trying to
nurse over and over and over my nipples were sore, cracked, bleeding, and
blistered and I finally gave in to a nipple shield. It was useful and I’m
thankful for it because it saved our breastfeeding relationship.
My son was born weighing 8 pounds 6 ounces and left the
hospital weighing 7 pounds 14 ounces. At his newborn appointment he weighed 8
pounds 3 ounces so I assumed we were on the right track! The pediatrician asked
us to come back in a week to make sure he has reached and surpassed his birth
weight. We went back in a week and my son lost another ounce. So the
pediatrician had me nurse him and then weighed him again and his second weight
was 8 pounds 5 ounces. So he was drinking about 3 ounces each feeding! However,
he was not gaining any weight so we went back again in another week and he was
only 8 pounds 3 ounces again. I was sitting in the room waiting for his doctor
to come in thinking “I just know she is going to tell me to stop
breastfeeding.” So while I was waiting I was thinking about how I was going to
put up a fight and defend my decision to keep breastfeeding.
It was a moment of huge relief when she told me I could and
should continue to nurse but that I should supplement with pumped breastmilk or
formula. She started his physical exam and noticed all the symptoms of reflux
and put him on medicine for it and told me to come back and see her in another
week to check on his weight. I remember just sitting in the car sobbing
thinking “My baby is starving and it is all my fault!” I held my tiny son and
cried and apologized for not being good enough. I felt like it was my fault
that he wasn’t thriving and that if I had just done things differently he would
be gaining weight like he was supposed to. We went home and snuggled and nursed
and cried some more.
I started him on his reflux medicine and started to
supplement a couple of feedings each day to make sure he was satisfied and he
was a much happier baby. We supplemented for a few days and two of my sisters
who were nursing their babies too offered me the most amazing gift ever; their
pumped breastmilk to help feed my son.
After supplementing for a couple of days my stubborn side came out and I
just said “I do not want to do this anymore. I am going to nurse my baby and
that is that.” I put the can of formula away and my son and I cuddled up, napped
and he nursed as he pleased. Eventually he was getting what he needed from me
and me only. That was the greatest
feeling in the world. We went back to the pediatrician for his one month
appointment and he finally reached his birth weight! He was 8 pounds 7 ounces.
He was still a small baby but he was finally gaining weight and it made me the
happiest mom in the world.
Now he is four months old and still a very slim and slender
baby but he is healthy and growing at his own pace. We have been free of the
nipple shield for a few months now and even through all the frustrations of
wanting to give up on breastfeeding multiple times I could not be happier that
I stuck with it. I am not ashamed to say that my son has tasted formula and
tasted milk from other moms. Breastfeeding is not an easy thing. It doesn’t
come naturally to everyone. It is hard and frustrating at points and it can
make you want to rip your hair out. I fell to my knees to many times sobbing
because I thought I wasn’t good enough for my son. But I am good enough. I am
the perfect mother for my son.
There are times when I wish we had an easier to start to out
breastfeeding journey but because of the struggles I have learned to cherish
the moments we get to spend nursing. There are still days when I am exhausted
and tired and think “it would be so much easier to give him a bottle.” I enjoy our snuggle time a little bit too
much though to not to nurse him.
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